I believe that you never really know how much you care about someone until you can't help them.

Absence

I'm excusing my recent absence because of my studying for the GRE, which I took today and profoundly bombed. Guess I'm kinda dumb.

There may be more absences coming, since I'll be homeless in Oregon for a little bit.

Anyways, I thought I've finally been able to be friends with females without becoming intimate with them. Then I woke up next to her.

Life Raft

Sometimes when I'm laying in bed I feel like I'm floating in the middle of the ocean on a bunch of thing logs tied together with torn sheets. There's an endless ocean surrounding me, and I'm clinging to the bed for life and hoping to spot land soon. Meanwhile, I'm not sleeping on this bed.

Recurring Dream

When I was little, I used to have a certain dream over and over starting when I was 4 or 5.

It must be said that, like every little boy, I was in love with dinosaurs. I still am. Anyways, I was an intelligent kid and was enthusiastic about learning. However, I was also incredibly hyper and pretty uncontrollable. My family called me Taz. Once I learned to read, my parents would buy me dinosaur books to keep me quiet: the bigger the book, the longer I was quiet. Dinosaurs arrested me.

In this dream, I'm walking along a serene beach. The beach was a circular bay with no features - just sand and water. Water until the horizon on one side, sand on the other, and a bland blue sky. The only feature was a long wooden pier that stood a foot or two above the still seas. I walked out onto the pier and noticed a bunch of Apatosauruses. The exact number of them varied each time I had the dream, but they were always almost perfectly still. Their big backs protruded from the water and they cuddled each other with their long necks. Obviously, I'm awestruck. It's like I've discovered a secret land and its all mine. Suddenly, and I'm not sure how it happens, but I'm in the water trying to swim back to shore. The current is too strong. I'm pulled out towards the dinosaurs. They see me; they stop necking and look right at me. By the time I reach them, I've grown weak and I can't fight the current. But they just watch apathetically with their big cow-eyes as I float past them. I wake up just before I fall off the edge of the horizon.

I had this dream again last night, the first time in maybe ten years.

Imagine my surprise when, after countless years, and without explanation, Anthony asked me to drive with him to Fishers, Indiana. Even when we had been on speaking terms, we were definitely not friends, and maliciously joked that the only thing our fathers had in common was leaving our mother. This tormented her, and she wished until her last breath that he and I would somehow become friends.

she said

"You're just a talented person. You could probably succeed at everything you do."

If I could, I'd have blushed. I wonder if I believe it.

Is apathy worth writing or reading about?

Last Night

The words woke something inside. Tangled in chocolate-colored pillows and blankets, I stared at the darkness behind my eyelids, waiting for peace to settle in. But the words burrowed deep, content to eat away at my insides and dig dig dig. When the sun forced its way through my windows and forced my eyes open, I wondered where Al Jolsen is buried.

French Assignment.

Oui oui, je sais le grammaire est tres mauvais.
Si j’étais le dictateur d’une petite île, je m'amuserais bien. Je vivrais dans un géant château, sur une grande montagne. De mon château, je pourrais voir toute l’île. L’île s’appellerait , et je la gèrerais avec un poing de fer. Si je ne gérais pas avec un poing de fer, je ne serais pas un dictateur, non ? Mais, j’essaierais d’être gentil, donc mes sujets m’aimeraient.
Il y aurait beaucoup d’animaux sur mon île, et ils courraient librement. Peut-être j’expérimenterais les animaux et les gens, comme dans L’île de Dr. Moreau. Je créerais une créature qui était la moitié tigre et moitié d’homme. Je pourrais jouer Dieu ! Il serait un plaisir si je créais des dauphin-hommes, et je pouvais promener avec eux dans l’océan.
Je passerais tout mon temps à la plage ou dans mon château. Je boirais souvent et serais souvent ivre. Mais personne ne ferait rien parce que je pourrais les pénaliser.

1 word.

Liquid.

day 2

I've been temporarily living in my parents house for the past 2 months, and am getting ready leave in the next week or so. While it's weird sleeping in my former bedroom - which has been converted into a guest bedroom and consequently resembles nothing of the living space I created for myself when this was my home - that's not the strangest part. The most uncomfortable aspect of living at home is the countless pictures lining the rooms and walls of the house. At the top of the stairs, across from the entrance to my bedroom, is a poster of pictures my parents made for my high school graduation party, covered in photos of me at various ages. It's sort of haunting, frightening even, to look at those pictures. If I could, I'd go back and tell that kid to smile more, and try harder. But life is about finding these things out right?

I hope to not write about myself very much, but like I said the photos are haunting. They follow me around, and everytime I come home, the photos are always there waiting for me.

The goal here is to write every day. I don't care what, it may be a story, a page, a paragraph, a sentence, or even a single word. So long as I can get myself to type, to write, to think, and to write write write. There may be pictures, but mostly I want words. This is my beginning, because I'm tired of saying "I'll start tomorrow." Tomorrow turns into the next day, then the day after, then the day after. Yes, I know, that's the same old story. I'm OK with that. I'm not saying the writing is going to be any good, it's just going to get done. I hope.

Cheers.